Have you ever thought of leaving your home because you didn’t like it for some reason? I, too, have longed to go to the faraway lands. My wish came true, but my longing turned toward my homeland.
How come it has changed? And so drastically? Every day I wish to return home. But there’s no way right now, and it won’t be until “the right time.” What does that mean?
Since leaving, I have encountered many problems, and at one point in my journey, I found myself at the bottom. But it was not about going up; it was about going inwards and seeing the light that would enlighten the surrounding darkness.
During this year and a half, I’ve realized so many things and healed some wounds, with many still existing and some still out of my reach. Even though my heart and soul ache for my homeland, I know it’s not the time. I have things I need to deal with, face my fears, and get strong so that when I return, I can lead.
I’ve always been fixated on my home. But after leaving it for two years, I realized I could only do this for a short time. Even almost one month when I went to Japan was quite long. But now, it’s so different. I’ve left all I’ve known, all that made me feel safe, all grounding things and people were suddenly gone. And I went into an unknown world where I had to rely on myself and myself only for the first time.
This is the land where I grew up; that’s the land that made me dream and live. All the colors throughout the year, all the sensations, smells, and sounds. I miss those and now see their importance in my life.
Since the new year began, I have had more problems than ever. I even feared I would end up without money for food. It was so bad at one point I broke down into tears. Some might ask, so why did you not find a job? I feel drained even without having a part-time job; I don’t want to harm myself. However, it seems that now there is no other way around it.
During this time, I am profoundly acknowledging the importance of one’s family, roots, and stability in any form. As the semester ended, many friends were leaving, and my heart was aching; I realized that I loved these people. They’re encouraging and are another kind of root or tree you can lean on.
In times of instability, you deeply consider what is essential and what is not. What kind of life do I want to have? And what leaves me feeling drained, empty, and lifeless? Certainly not.
I plot to return to do what I’ve feared to do because I am involved in something that is not small. Thankfully, I have people who understand and remind me to think about myself and prioritize happiness over anything else. And that I was doing things despite feeling discontent.
The only thing left is to deal with all the formalities and then say goodbye, to which I am looking forward the most.